
Rnnk .A 5 !~3^ 



THE COURT IN SESSION. 

M AMERIM PARLOR DRAMA, 

IN TWO ACTS. 

A (BREACH OF (PROMISE T(RIAL. 



EXCITING SCENES — AN EX-GUARDIAN SUES HIS FORM- 
ER WARD. 

Entire Proceedings of Court — Present, Judge, Jury, Sheriff and 
Deputy, Clerk, Eeporter, Page, Four Learned Members 
of the Bar, Plaintiff, Defendant, Witnesses and 
Spectators — Over Thirty Actors — High- 
ly Sensational Throughout, Yet 
Strictly Decorous. 






if 



— BY— - 

P OR SON PARADOX, 

— AN — 

EX-LIMB OF THE LAW, 



CINCINNATI, O. 

THE DRAMA PUBLISHING COMPANY, 

Rooms S. E. Cor. Fourth & Vine Sts. 
1880. 







Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1880, by the 

Drama Publishing Company, in the office of the 

Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 



CHARACTERS. 



Solon Greathead Judge. 

Mortimer Swing-em Sheriff, 

Burley Ketchum «. f. Deputy Sheriff. 

Timothy Scrivener Clerk. 

Oliver Chopsticks Official Stenographer. 

Tom Chip Page. 

Barnabas Probem Attorney for Plaintiff. 

Blackstone Bluster Attorney for Plaintiff. 

Roger Snarl Attorney lor Defendant. 

Sheridan Billingsgate .... Attorney for Defendant. 

Moses Graball Plaintiff. 

E valine Green Defendant. 

Minnie Tattle Witness for Plaintiff. 

Howard Quibble Witness for Plaintiff, 

Patrick O'Flaherty Witness for Defendant 

Amanda Green....'. Witness for Defendant. 

Daisy Doll Witness for Defendant. 

Edmund Bunkum Attorney for Slow pay, case of Dunnum vs. Slowpav. 

Eggem & Jones Attorneys lor Dolittle case, Dolittle vs. Froliok 

Harry Weaver \ 

Billy Bolter | 

Barney Dunderhead J 

Oliver Owl , j 

Larry Killarney j 

George Washington, (colored) I 

Valentine Klinkhammer ( JUKY . 

Oscar Oddfish j 

Basil Redhead I 

Harry Dumbarton j 

Bart Dolittle I 

Samuel Spxinkey / 



SUGGESTIONS. 



The JUDGE should be an elderly looking man with grave countenance, 
who will make himself familiar with all the points of the plav and be pre- 
pared to cover slips of memory on the part of the actors. He must conduct 
himself with the gravity and dignity becoming his high office. 

The SHERIFF ought to be a stout man with a good voice. His province 
is to open Court and maintain order. He will use a gavel. His 

DEPUTY will see to the issue of subpoenas and other papers and otherwise 
lighten the duties of his chief. 

The CLERK ought to be a bright 3-oung man who has the custody of the 
Co\irt papers, which he ought to have prepared in advance and neatly done 
up in bundles. 

The OFFICIAL STENOGRAPHER ought to be perfectly familiar with all 
parts of the play, as he 'will be the prompter. He ought to have before him 
for that purpose a copy of the play 

The PAGE may be a little boy who will answer the calls of the lawyers 
when they snap their fingers He should have a large lot ot big books at 
hand to bring in when called. 

The LAWYERS must be sharp and critical, ready to take advantage of 
every slip, and well posted in their parts. They will allow themselves to 
get excited and generally, be restive, occasionallv rising to their feet and 
moving about the room. Counsel may divide the examinations of witnesses 
between them, and the speeches also. 

The PLAINTIFF ought, if possible, to be a man of fine personal appearance 
who can successfully feign deafness, ought to speak with great deliberation 
and hear onl} 7 through an ear trumpet. 

The DEFENDANT ought to be a good-looking young lady— quick in re- 
partee. She and the other ladies will appear in street costume. 

The witness MRS. GREEN, her mother, may be a young lady, as she can 
assume age by costuming and wearing a veil. 

HOWARD QUIBBLES, character can be successfully assumed by a young 
man disposed to punning. He ought to speak very slowly and distinctly, 
especially toward the close of his testimony. 

The IRISHMAN should be suitably costumed as a hack-driver and have 
with him his whip. Must speak with a strong brogue. 

The JURY ought to appear as a motley crowd, suitably costumed, one as 
a colored man, and another (the Dutchman) as a saloonist. 



DIRECTIONS. 

Ample preparation ought to be made before the play is put on the stage. 
Speakers ought to have their parts thoroughly committed and be prepared 
to speak them naturally without any taint of theatrical tone or style. 

As a rule, witnesses ought not to answer directly or immediately except 
in repartee. They should assume to be taking time to deliberate. The part 
of the Irishman may be considered an exception to.this as Irishmen rarely 
wait to consider. For that reason as before stated, that character ought 
to be filled by one who speaks the brogue very distinctly. 

Reporter and "Judge can both act as prompters; the latter by asking a 
question or otherwise. 

The judge ought to be seen taking notes, especially of his rulings when 
exceptions are taken. 

The jury will be found seated promiscuously among the spectators or 
audience where the deputy will serve upon them the subpoenas. 

Laughter among the spectators can be turned to good account by the 
sheriff using his gavel and demanding "silence in court *' 

If preferred, the play maybe divided into three acts; the first ending with the 
evidence, the second with the arguments. If an adjournment is asked or 
given, the Judge wilPcharge the jury not to talk to any person on the subject 
of the trial or testimony nor to listen to any person or persons who mav be 
conversing regarding the trial. 

The clerk will call over the names of the jurors before swearing them, 



ACT I. 



SCENE I. 

Bluster, Graball and Quibble seated in a private office. Blus- 
ter and Quibble in conversation, and Graball with his trumpet trying 
to make out what they are saying. 

Bluster (to Quibble). There's no use trying that mortgage any 
longer. Has he any property unincumbered ? 

Quibble, No, none whatever. 

Bluster. Then he's gone up ! Why don't he marry the widow? 

Quibble. She has no money. 

Bluster. Then let him try the daughter. 

Quibble. He tried that once and failed. 

Bluster. He tried it, did he ? Then he has some of her letters. 
Let's see. We'll have him sue for breach of promise. 

Quibble. But she never promised. 

Bluster. Oh, you don't know. People say many things uncon- 
sciously when they are in love or hard up. And they often say 
on paper more than they mean. 

Graball (anxiously). How about the money? 

Bluster. It's all right. You must do as you are told and keep 
mum. (To Quibble.) Give me all the papers between them that 
you can find. Have no doubt but both have made fools of them- 
selves. We'll enter suit at once. 

Quibble. But, Mr. Bluster, it will make such — 

Bluster. O, don't you mind. We'll tix that. Testimony is cheap 
and juries are venal. 

Quibble leaves and soon returns with the papers. Exeunt all. 



—7— 

Scene II. Court-room with Lawyers, Witnesses and Spectators 
laughing and talking gaily. Enter Judge, heads uncovered. Officers 
take their places; Lawyers and others their seats. 

Judge. Mr. Sheriff, open Court. 

Sheriff. Oyez ! Oyez ! Oyez ! The Superior Court of Bantam 
County is now in session, the Hon. Judge Greathead presiding. 

The Clerk unties bundles and lays them be/ore the Judge. 

Judge. Bead the minutes, Mr. Clerk. ( Clerk reads*) To the Bar. 
I will call to-day's docket. Counsel will please answer if ready 
for trial. Dunnem vs. Slowpay, Bunkum. 

Bunkum. Your Honor, we're not quite ready. 

Judge. Cheatem vs. Blifkins, Dolittle vs. Frolick. 

Eggem & Jones. The papers in the case are missing, your Honor. 

Judge. Case will be continued. Set for 21st. Graball vs. 
Green ; are you ready for trial, gentlemen ? 

Both. Keady, your Honor. 

Snarl. Your honor, we 7 ve asked for a struck jury and would 
like to have the sheriff call the names if they are here. 

Judge. Mr. Sheriff, impanel the jury. 

^Deputy Sheriff hurries off to Clerk for subptenas and proceeds to serve 
them on the potties in the audience. Lavyyers engage in conversation, one 
or two with the Judge, after some time the case proceeds. 

Judge. I'll finish the docket. Donkey vs. Mule, Bunkum. 

Bunkum. Your honor, we are waiting the return of a witness. 

Judge. Pass the case. It will be found at the foot of the docket 
and you must take your chance of being heard this term. (To 
Probem, &c.) Go on with the case, gentlemen. 

After a consultation between themselves and their clients, the attorneys 
agree that the usual questions be put to the jurors as to their qualifications. 

Probem. Will your honor ask the usual questions. 

Judge. Gentlemen, have any of you served on the jury during 
this term of court? 

Jury. No, your honor. ( Klinkhammer excepts and rises to explain. ) 

Judge. Where do you live, Mr. Klinkhammer? 

*Minutes on last page 



-8— 



Klinkhammer. Ich verstehe nicht. 

Juror (to Klinkhammer.) Wowohnen sie ? 

Klinkhammer. Drei hundert, sieben und funfzig. 

Juror. Three hundred and fifty-seven. 

Judge. Have you read about the case in the papers ? 

Juroi\ Haben sie davon in dem zietungen gelesen? 

Klinkhammer. Ich kann nicht lesen. 

Juror. He can't read. 

Judge. Have you formed any opinion about it? 

Juror. Was ist ihre meinung (opinion) davon? 

Klinkhammer. Obinions ist tangerous dings. Gitten all der 
dimes in droubles. Ich habe nicht. 

Juror. He says he never had any opinion. Opinions are dan- 
gerous things, they are always getting people into trouble. 

Judge. He'll do, (To attorneys.) Are you satisfied with the 
jury? 

Attorneys, all. Yes, your honor. 

Judge (to Clerk). Swear the jury. 

Clerk. Rise and be sworn, gentlemen. Raise your left hands. 
You and each of you do formally declare that you will well and 
truly try the matter in difference between Moses Graball, the 
plaintiff, and Evaline Green, the defendant and a true verdict 
give according to your ignorance and prejudices. 

Judge. Be seated. 

Statement of Case— B. Bluster. 

May it please you honor and gentlemen of the jury, the case to 
be tried before you is one of grave importance, not only to the 
parties concerned, but to society in general. 

Suit has been brought by my client, Moses Graball, Esq., to 
recover damages for a broken promise, a broken heart and a lost 
umbrella. 

AVhen an infant in the eye of the law, the defendant, now Miss 
Green, was the ward of the plaintiff ; during which time she con- 
ducted herself with becoming propriety ; but as soon as she reached 
her majorfty she did, what is too often done by ladies of her age, 
cast off all restraint and set to work to ensnare in the toils of 



—9— 

Cupid, unsuspecting bachelors, young and old. In that way she 
caught my unsuspicious and too credulous client, first by encour- 
aging his advances and then by openly courting them. Her next 
step was to induce him to accept a proposal of marriage, and hav- 
ing succeeded, she now like a heartless flirt, wants to annul the en- 
gagement. That my client loved the young lady, and does love 
her, there is no question. I need not inform you, gentlemen of 
the jury, that it would be impossible for a young man to retain 
his heart intact when a comely young damsel has set her mind 
upon capturing it. Then this young lady enjoyed superior ad- 
vantages. She knew he was passionately fond of music and a 
lover of beauty, so she sang and played for him enchantingly, till 
he became alike charmed with her sweet voice, her lovely hat and 
her incomparable little gaiters. Such was his infatuation that in 
one of his fits of abstraction he lost his valuable green silk um- 
brella, and has not since been able to find it. Long prior to that, 
though unconscious of the fact, he had lost his noble heart. 

On the 15th day of March, 1879, she made him a proposal of 
marriage, which he duly accepted, The day for the celebration 
of their nuptials came, finding all preparations made. The license 
was procured, invitations were issued and accepted, minister and 
guests were assembled, but no bride ! Hour after hour passed, 
but no Miss Green appeared. Dejected and mortified, my client 
was barely restrained from an act of self-destruction. He left the 
banquet hall and abandoned society, and has not since been 
known to smile, and will never smile again. 

Such gentlemen, is a brief statement of the case before you ; and 
now we ask for damages in the modest sum of $83,327.43. 

Statement of the Case — S. Billingsgate. 

May it please you Honor and gentlemen of the jury, the case 
1>efore you is one which will expose one of the most flagrant abuses 
'^§>f confidence known to civil jurisprudence. A doting father on 
his death-bed left the guardianship of a beautiful child of twelve 
summers to a distant relative, who is appropriately named 
Graball. That child has grown to womanhood and developed 
into the handsome and accomplished lady before you. 

During her minority this man, Graball, the plaintiff in the case 
abused the confidence of his deceased relative, and shocked the 
moral sensibilities of the community, by making love to his ward. 
Having control of her education, he used the opportunity to pro- 



—10— 

mote his sinister purposes, and placed her in a boarding school 
where he could communicate with her at pleasure. There she 
remained till near her majority, when, determined to get posses- 
sion of her person and property, he concocted the nefarious 
scheme of having her commit herself, in writing, to be his wife, 
and to make him her legalized trustee. Thwarted in his purpose, 
he brings suit for damages. That he has not a shadow of proof 
on which to base a claim, we can, and will most satisfactorily 
prove. Yes, gentlemen of the jury, we shall prove that the man 
is destitute of the feeling of love ; that he never had a heart to be 
broken, and that even his claim for a lost umbrella is unfounded. 
He never owned one. And now, gentlemen of the jury, we shall 
expect at your hands, without leaving your seats, a verdict for the 
defendant. 

Judge. Call your witnesses. 

Probem. Mr. Quibble. ( Witness comes foncard and is sworn by 
the clerk.*) 

Snarl. Your Honor, I question the competency of ^ the witness. 
He is in the employ of the plaintiff and is allied to him by family 
ties. 

Probem. Our witness is entirely competent, your Honor, being 
of legal age, sound mind, and good constitution as counsel dis- 
covered a few days ago. 

Snarl. I deny the insin — 

Judge. What is your business, Mr. Quibble ? 

Witness. I am a book-keeper, your Honor. 

Judge. In whose employ? 

Witness. Mr. Graball's. 

Judge. Are you related to him ? 

Witness. Only by marriage. He is my brother-in-law. 

Judge. Have you ever had anyfcontroversy with the defendant 
in the case ? 

Witness. No, your Honor ; none whatever. 

Judge. He may be examined. 

You do sullenly say that the testimony vou shall give in the case now in 
hearing in which ME. Graball is plaintiff and E. Green is defendant, shall 
be the truth, the whole truth or anything but the truth as you will answer 
to your names, 



-11- 



Snarl. Your Honor will note my exception. (Judge assents.) 

Probem. Please state what you know of the parties to this suit. 

Witness. I know they have passed for lovers and are sup — 

Probem. What have been your opportunities for knowing them? 

Witness. Have been with them at concerts, lectures and places 
of amusement. 

Probem. Have you noticed any familiarities between them? 

Witness. I have noticed delicate attentions on the part of plain- 
tiff, which were fully reciprocated by the defendant. 

Probem. Delicate attentions? Please state what those delicate 
attentions were. 

Witness. 1 have seen Mr. Graball give Miss Green a kiss on 
more than one occasion. 

Snarl* And seen her resent the insult. 

Witness. No, sir ; just the reverse. 

Probem. When and where were those kisses given ? 

Witness. In various places and ways. 

Probem, (to Snarl.) You may cross examine. 

Cross-Examination. 

Snarl, angrily. Where were those familiarities perpetrated, sir? 

Witness. In the Grand Hotel and at Keppler's. 

Snarl. Do you mean to say they committed those indelicacies 
in a public hotel or restaurant? 

Witness. I did not consider them indelicacies. 

Snarl. It matters not whether you did or not. I ask, sir, 
did they, or did they not kiss each other in those public places? 

Witness. I didn't say they kissed each other. 

Snarl. Your Honor, the witness has — (To witness,) You are 
excused. 

Judge One moment. (To uitness,) Mr. Quibble, you stated 
a few minutes ago that the plaintiff kissed the defendant in your 
presence and that, too, in a public hotel and restaurant. Were 
there any others present besides them and yourself when they 
committed such an indiscretion? 



—12- 



Witness. Your Honor, I don't think it was an indiscretion. 

Judge (angrily.) We have not asked your opinion. State with- 
out prevarication or evasion, where the plaintiff kissed the de- 
fendant. 

Witness. I have not said he kissed her. 

Judge. Do you mean to insult the Court? Sir, I shall commit 
you for contempt if you do not answer my question. 

Probem. Your Honor, the witness does not mean to insult the 
Court or treat your Honor with disrespect. There may be some 
fault in the way he is examined. 

Judge (indignant). Mr. Probem do you mean to instruct this 
Court in the examination of witnesses ? Sir, I — 

Probem. Your Honor — if your Honor will calmly examine — 

Judge. I shall not submit to your dictation, sir — take your seat. 
(To witness.) You said these two persons kissed each other in a 
public restaurant ; now I want to know if there was any one 
present but yourselves ? 

Witness. Sir, I did not say they kissed each other. 

Judge. I shall commit you for the double crime of perjury 
and contempt. 

Witness. Your Honor, I said they gave each other kisses. I did 
not say they kissed each other. 

Judge. Your distinction is without a difference. (To sheriff.) 
Mr. Sheriff do your duty. 

Witness (excited.) Your Honor, the kisses were perfectly harm- 
less, they were — 

Judge. Do your duty Mr. Sheriff. 

Probem. Will your Honor excuse me one moment ? 

Judge. Do you want to go on his bond ? 

Probem. I wish to ask him a single question. 

Judge. Let it be short then. 

Probem (to witness.) Can you produce a sample of the kisses? 

( Witness takes sugar kisses from his pocket. ) 

Judge (to Clerk.) Enter a rule against witness. Sir, I fine you 
in the sum of twenty dollars for contempt. Mr. Sheriff, retain 
him in custody until the law is satisfied. 



-13- 

Miss Tattle's Testimony. 

Bluster. Miss Tattle, please take the stand. 
Clerk. You do, &c. What is you name ? 

Witness. Minnie Tattle. 

Bluster. You may be seated. (Places a chair for witness.) You 
know the parties to this suit ? 

Witness. Yes. 
Bluster. How long have you known them? 

Witness. Several years. 

Bluster. Did you know that they were engaged to be married ? 

Witness. Oh ! everybody knew that ! 

Bluster. You mean — 

Snarl. She does not need an interpreter. 

Bluster. Have you heard either of them speak of an engage- 
ment ? 

Witness. Miss Green told me, and Mr. Graball made no secret 
of it. 

Bluster. Did they speak of their wedding ? 

Witness. Yes, the wedding day was set, and invitations were 
issued. 

Bluster. Do you recognize that at the wedding card ? (Shoiving 
card.) 

Witness. Yes. 

Bluster. (Hands to opposite Counsel and then to Judge and Jury.) 
Did the wedding come off? 

Witness. O dear, no ! There was a large party, but the bride 
that was to be, didn't come. 
Bluster. Why was that? 
Witness. Oh, she had other fish to— 

Bluster (interrupting.) That'll do. Was the plaintiff" there? 
Witness. Mr. Graball ? Yes ; he's the soul of punctuality. 

Bluster. Did he evince any concern at the absence of Miss 
Green ? 

Witness. Concern! That don't express it. Concern indeed! 



-14- 

Why just think of it ! All their friends waiting; everybody dress- 
ed to death for the occasion ; everybody on tiptoe of expectation ; 
and a grand entertainment ready, and she — 

Bluster. Mr. Graball was much disappointed ? 

Witness. Disappointed! What a tame expression! Disappointed! 
Why sir, you've no idea how he felt, Disappointed ? He was — 
well he — he was frantic with rage. 

Bluster. Was there a clergyman present ? 

Witness. Yes, sir; Rev. Mr. Hollyhock, who did what he could 
to console Mr. Graball. 

Bluster. Was the Enquirer Society Reporter there ? 

Witness. Yes, sir; Why it was so recherche an affair that even 
the Gazette sent round its fashion editress to report the costumes 
and— eat the cake. 

Bluster (To apposite Counsel.) You may cross examine. 

Cross Examination. 

Snarl. You say you are acquainted with the plaintiff. I sup- 
pose you know him to be a pleasant gentleman ? 

Witness, I do, sir. He is a perfect gentleman in public and 
private. He is the very soul of chivalry. He carries one's par- 
asol so daintily, and helps one so delicately over the crossings or 
into a carriage; and then he is so useful, 1 mean so kind and 
clever as an escort, when one cant't get a better. 

Bluster. Miss Tattle, you needn't go into details. 

Snarl. You may state what you please about the gentlemen, 
Miss Tattle. We are so glad to learn of his good qualities. {To 
Counsel.) You cannot object to their recital. 

Bluster. Your Honor, the testimony is not germane to the issue, 
and I urge my objection. 

Judge. I cannot see that the evidence will injure your client, 
and you know it is interesting testimony. 

Bluster. Your Honor, I beg to note an exception — 

Judge. We will note the exception. Go on. 

Snarl Miss Tattle, you will please proceed. 

Witness. Well, sir, I was going to tell you how well he can 
entertain a lady. He knows to a nicety whether the ribbons and 
ornaments on one's hat blend harmoniously or contrast unpleas- 



—15- 



antly with one's complexion, and whether inside trimmings are 
needed to heighten or soften the effect. Then, on drapery he is 
lovely. He knows to a T what muscles need development — that 
is, rounding out, you know — and what don't. On street costume 
he is not so clever. He don't like long — 

Bluster (interrupting.) Your Honor, I decidedly object to this 
twaddle. It may amuse the spectators, but it is trifling with the 
grave concerns of my client, and a serious loss of time. I don't 
see — 

Snarl (to ivitness, showing card.) On what day of the month did 
you receive this? 

Witness. I received it on — 

Bluster. It does not matter how or when she received it. She 
acknowledges its reception, and that's enough. 

Snarl. It may be enough for your purpose, but not for mine. 
(To witness.) On what, &c. 

Bluster. Your Honor, I object to this whole line of examina- 
tion. It is without point or relevancy. If the gentleman has ex^ 
hausted his resources, he ought to have sense or courtesy enough 
to stop. 

Snarl. Your Honor, a few more questions and I have done. 

Judge attempts to speak and is interrupted. 

Bluster. Your Honor, I want to offer a few words of argu- 
ment. 

Judge. Let him have a few minutes more. 

Snarl. Were you not entrusted with the delivery of the wed- 
ding cards ? 

Witness (sharply.) That was my affair, sir. 

Snarl Thank you, Miss Tattle; that's good testimony. Did 
Miss Green know you were in engaged in that business. 

Witness. I didn't say I was engaged — 

Snarl, Was not the wedding of Mr. Quibble and Miss Graball 
held on the evening in question? 

Witness. Oh ! that's no secret. They were married. Such a 
splendid entertainment could not be lost. 

Bluster. I move to strike out the last answer, 
Judge. On what ground ? 



—16— 

Bluster, It is irrelevant, incompetent, irresponsive to the ques- 
tion, surplusage and impertinent. 

Judge. That's enough. Objection over-ruled and I'll note an 
exception. Proceed, Mr. Snarl. 

Snarl (to witness.) That's all, Miss Tattle. 

Moses Graball Examined. 

Oath administered through Trumpet. 

Clerk. What is your name, it you please ? 

Graball. Moses Graball. 

Probem. You are the Plaintiff in this case? 

Crraball. Of course I am. Do you think she would have to sue 
me to marry her ? 

Probem. Is the defendant related to you by any family ties? 

Graball. Not yet. 

Probem. You were her guardian ? How long ? 

Gi^aball. Six years. 

Probem. How old is the defendant now ? 

Graball. Nineteen years. 

Probem. What was her age Avhen you — when you proposed to 
her? 

Graball. I never proposed to her. It was she who proposed to 
me. You have seen her proposition. 

Probem. But, Mr. Graball, you know you must have — 

Snarl. Let the witness tell his own story. 

Probem. Sir, I have the right to refresh his memory. 

Snarl. But you have no right to lead him. 

Probem. About what time did you make up your mind to 
marry the defendant? 

Graball Just as soon as I could get her. 

Probem. Yes, but you didn't propose to her till she — 

Graball. I told you that I never proposed to her at all. 

Probem. You can tell the jury what was the immediate cause 
of your falling in love with her. 






—17— 

Grab'att. Me ? I ? Why, it was she that fell in love with me. 
I was the victim of her powers of witchery. 

Probem. And were not conscious of her powers till she was — 

Snarl. Yes, till she ivas eighteen. Your Honor, I should like to 
know if testimony is to be manufactured by counsel in this 
manner. 

Probem. Your Honor, I don't intend to lead my client ; but 
must consider his infirmity. <\ 

Snarl. You want to mislead the jury by representing that the 
plaintiff did not betray his trust by courting the young lady 
while she was his ward. 

Probem. Your Honor, my client disclaims courting the young 
lady at any time. He only succumbed to her charms. 

Judge. Ask him when he first indulged in the tender passion 
towards her. 

Probem. When did you first indulge — 

GrabaU. Sir, I never indulge. Sir ; I am astonished that you 
should ask me such a question. I engaged you as my attorney, 
sir, and you — 

Probem. The judge wants to locate the time — 

GrabaU' He can't locate any crime against me. 

Judge. Ask him what time he began to reciprocate. 

Probem. What was the age of the young lady when you began 
to reciprocate? 

GrabaU. Keciprocate ? reciprocate ? reciprocate ? I tell you 
I didn't do it. Do you take me for a goose ? 

Probem, taking exhibit "A" from among the papers presents it to 
witness and asks: Do you recognize that letter ? 

GrabaU. I do. (Shows letter to opposite counsel.) 

P-obem. When and where did you get that? 

GrabaU. On May the 4th, by mail. 

P-obem. By whom and to whom was it written ? 

GrabaU. By Miss Green to me. All the letters given you were 
addressed to me. 

Probem We offer the letter in evidence. ( Taking up exhibit "B.") 
This letter is also addressed to you ? 



-18- 

GrabaU. Yes, she used my pet name in that one. 

Probem. When did you receive this ? 

GrabaU. June 15, 1880. 

Probem. (Heads the letter pompously and hands it to tJie Judge and 
jury, observing that it is marked "I?.") Who is this Evaline ? 

GrabaU. Miss Green, the defendant. 

Probem. (Handing exhibit "C") Do you recognize that instru- 
ment? 

GrabaU. Yes, that is our marriage contract. 

(Probem hands to opposite attorney who returns it. Probem reads.) 

Probem, And the day was set for the celebration of your 
nuptials ? 

GrabaU. Yes; the day was appointed; the license procured; 
the clergyman invited, and all preparations made. 

Probem. Did the defendant keep her appointment? 

GrabaU. No. That's what all the trouble's about. 

Probem. Did she change her mind ? 

GrabaU. Her mother can answer that question. 

Probem (to opposite counsel.) You may cross examine. 

Cross Examination. 

Snarl. Mr. GrabaU when were you appointed guardian for 
Miss Green? 

GrabaU. Yes. 

Snarl. I ask when you were appointed to the guardianship of 
defendant ? 

GrabaU. Never ! 

Snarl. You solemnly swear that you never were appointed 
guardian to the defendant ? 

Gi*abaU. I was the guardian of Evaline Green the girl of twelve 
years. She was was not the defendant. She was my ward. 

Snarl. Sir, you are digposed to be captious. When did you 
become guardian to Miss Green ? 

GrabaU. August 9th, 1872. 

Snarl. How long did you act ? 



—19— 

Qraboll. Until she reached her majority, March 15th, 1880. 

Snarl. You fully discharged your duty towards her? 

GrabalL I did. 

Snarl. Spent enough time in her company to give direction to 
her studies ? 

Probem. We admit that. 

Snarl. Well, let him answer the question. (To witness.) Were 
you much in the company of the young lady when she was your 
ward? 

GrabalL I fully discharged my duty towards her in that 
respect. 

Snarl. And the boy, her brother ? Did you fully discharge 
your duty towards him ? 

Probem. I object. The question is not pertinent. We have no 
issue with the boy. 

Snarl. Sir, we can use him when instituting a comparison. 

Qraball. Boys don't need sympathy, like girls. 

Snarl. Did you, or did you not, use the influence of your posi- 
tion to secure the affections of your ward? 

GrabalL I answered that question before. 

Snarl. The question was not asked before. Sir, I demand an 
explicit answer ; did you or did you not use the influence of your 
position to secure the affections of your ward ? 

GrabalL I, I — well, of course — 
_ Probem. Your Honor, I take exception to this line of examina- 
tion ; besides I claim that my client may be led to compromise 
himself. 

Snarl. I — your Honor — 

Judge. You may repeat your question. 

Snarl. You have heard my question ? 

GrabalL It was my duty to teach her to love and obey — you 
see I occupied the place of her father— 

* Snarl. Did you teach the boy to love and obey f 

GrabalL I taught him to obey, sir ; no man can teach a boy to 
love. That's the province of the other sex. 



—20— 

Snarl. Now, sir, if the girl had not been handsome and wealthy, 
would jour treatment of her have been the same ? (Lays trumpet 
down.) 

Probem. Your Honor, I deny the right of counsel to insist upon 
an answer to a hypothetical question. The witness has already 
testified that during her minority he did not treat her as a sweet- 
heart (for that is the plain term.) 

(Here the plug is put into the trumpet by the junior counsel.) 

Snarl. You're afraid your client will criminate himself. 

Probem. No, sir ; it is not a criminal act for a man to fall in 
love. 

Snarl. That depends upon circumstances. 

Judge Proceed with your cross examination, Mr. Snarl. 

(Graball takes up his trumpet.) 

Snarl. (Taking up exhibit "A") When and where was this letter 
written? ( Witness does not hear.) 

Snarl. When and where was this letter written? (No answer.) 

Probem. Speak louder, Mr. Snarl ; he is sometime a little 
dull. 

Snarl. I — say, sik, to — whom — was — this — letter — sent? 

Graball. A little louder, please. 

Snarl. WHEKE— TO— WHOM - W A S— THIS— LETTER- 
SENT? 

Graball. Miss ! Miss ! What Miss? 

Snarl. Your Honor, I ask your interference. 

Judge. I don't understand what this means. Is your client 
as deaf as he appears, Mr. Probem ? 

Probem. No, your Honor. (Takes the trumpet.) Don't you hear 
the question ? (No answer. He then lays down the trumpet and uses 
his hands, speaking loudly.) Don't you hear ? 

Graball. Oh ! bless your heart, I hear all right ! (Pointing to S. ) 
He has no voice. 

Juryman. Mr. Probem, examine the trumpet. 

(He does so and draws out the paper wad.) 

Snarl (indignant.) Your Honor, this is outrageous, insulting. 
I demand an investigation. Will — 



-21— 



Judge. Not yet, brother Snarl. Let us get through with th e 
examination. Proceed. 

Snarl. When did you receive this letter ? (Turning up the en- 
velope he fails to find the date.) 

Oraball. Can't say exactly. 

Snarl. So you don't know. (Taking the valentine and reaching 
it to the witness.) To whom was this sent? 

Oraball. To me. "Mosey" was my pet name. 

Snarl. When was that written ? 

Oraball. Oh, there's the date. 

Snarl. So you allowed her to call you by a pet name when you 
were her guardian. 

Oraball (excited.) I — that was — I made a mistake about the 
date. 

Snarl (hands letter to Judge.) And you are the person she so 
minutely describes? 

Oraball. Well, I own it flatters me a little. 

Snarl. Then you are her darling pet, of symmetrical form and 
languishing looks, and you have pearly white teeth unstained by 
tobacco ; and your breath — 

Probem. Your Honor, this is intolerable. I won't have my 
client badgered in this way. 

Judge. Brother Snarl, confine your attention to the question at 
issue. 

Snarl showing exhibit "C" When did you receive this? 

Probem. You will find the date on the envelope. 

Snarl. The envelope is not in evidence. 

Probem. We'll make it a part of the testimony, with your con- 
sent. 

Snarl. Very well. (Marks it exhibit "D.'') I believe that is 
all we want, 

(Probem signs Oraball to take his seat.) 

Judge. Call your next witness. 

Probem. We're through. We rest. 



-.22— 

TESTIMONY FOE THE DEFENDANT. 

Patrick O'Flaherty Examined. 

Judge. Who is you first witness, Mr. Snarl ? 

Snarl (to witness.) Mr. O'Flaherty, please take the stand. 

Clerk. You do, &c. What is your name ? 

Witness. My name. Is it my name yer afther? 

Clerk. Yes, your name if you please ? 

Witness. Sure an' didn't ye hear the gintleman call me 
Misther O'Flaherty ? 

Clerk. Your christian name, if you please ? 

Witness. O'Flaherty, my jewel. 

Clerk. I want your christian name. 

Witness. Isn't O'Flaherty a good christian name, yer honor ? 

Clerk. Well, your given name. (Indignantly.) I want your 
given name, sir. 

Witness. An' havn't ye had it, my honey ? Isn't the name 
iverybody gives me, my given name ? Well, that's O'Flaherty. 

Clerk (very indignant.) Well, your first name? 

Witness, O'Flaherty, my honey. 

Clerk. O'Fl aherty , fudge ! 

Witness. O'Flaherty widout the fudge. 

Clerk (still more indignant.) I want to know your first 

NAME, SIR. 

Witness. Tunder-an-ouns! What do you mane ? Isn't OFlah- 
erty the first name I iver had ? 

Judge. Well, what's your other name ? 

Witness. Did ye iver hear of Daniel O'Connell, yer honor ? 

Judge. Yes, what of him ? 

Witness. Well, I wasn't called for him. You have heard of 
Erin's Great Saint ? 

Judge. Saint Patrick? 

Witness. Well, I was called for Saint Patrick. 

Clerk (writing and speaking aloud.) l 'Saint Patrick" — 

Witness. Niver a saint, yer honor till I'm dead. Plain 
Pathrick, if ye plase, or Pat, if ye like it betther. 






• 



—23— 

Snarl. Mr. O'Flaherty, where were you born ? 

Witness. At home, to be sure. 

Snarl. In Ireland? The Emerald Isle? 

Witness. Ye have it, yer honor. 

Snarl. Please don't address me as "your honor." 

Witness. Oh, I ax your pardon. I tuck ye for a gintleman. 

Snarl. How long have you been in this country ? 

Bluster. Long enough to have voted the Democratic ticket. 

Witness. And help to defate the Eepublicans. 

Snarl. Do you know the parties to this suit ? 

Witness. Do I know my ould hat, there ? 

Snarl. What is you business? 

Witness. My business is dhriving a hack. 

Snarl. Did you ever drive the plaintiff, Mr. Graball, in your 
hack ? 

Witness. Niver, but I dhrove my horses in it. 

Snarl. Did you ever have him as a passenger, and how often ? 

Witness. Wheniver he axed me. 

Snarl. Did he have any company with him ? 

Witness. Always, when he wasn't alone. 

Snarl. Did you ever take him and a female companion to 
Darke Street ? 

Witness, Didn't I, yer Honor? beg yer pardon, I didn't mane 

YER HONOR. 

Snarl. Was that lady (pointing) the person? 

Witness. That purty Miss ? No, sir; not half so nice. 

Judge. Mr. Snarl, what do you propose to prove bv this 
witness ? 

Snarl. Your Honor, I hope to prove that the plaintiff is a man 
of dissolute character. 

Judge. I'm afraid you have got the wrong witness. 
Snarl Your Honor, I think I have fully established all I pro- 
posed. (To other counsel.) You may have him, 



-24— 



Cross Examination. 

Bluster. Where do you live, Mr. O'Flaherty ? 

Witness. Part of the time in me hack, and part at home. 

Bluster. Where is your home ? 

Witness. Me ould woman says its in the sh-table becase I loike 
to be wid me horses. 

Bluster. W T hat is the name of the street, and the number of your 
house ? 

Witness. Will ye be af ther axin' me won question at a time ? 

Bluster. On what street does your wife reside ? 

Witness. Do you mane to insult a gintleman ? 

Bluster. No, sir; I asked the question to know where you 
lived. 

Witness. Troth, and ye'll have to ax a great many questions 
before you find that out. 

Bluster. You are certain that you took the plaintiff and a lady 
to Darke street ? 

Witness. I niver said I did. 

Bluster (with emphasis). Didn't you state that you took the 
plaintiff and a female companion to Darke street? 

V/itness. Sure ! but I didn't say she was a lady. 

Bluster. Was it dark or moonlight? 

Witness. Both, yer Honor ; moonlight when it wasn't dark, and 
dark when it wasn't moonlight. 

Bluster. Did he have a mustache ? 

Witness (Angrily.) Blood and Tunder! Would ye be afther 
tazin' a fellow to death wid yer questions? I didn't take his 
picter, an if I had, ye wouldn't belave me. (Pointing.) There's 
the gintleman,, he'll shpake for himself. 

Bluster. But he denies ever having been in your hack. 

Witness- Troth, an he needn't ; for he paid me the shtamps 
like a gintleman. 

Bluster. Well, I hope to prove that he never hired your hack, 
and never was in Dark street. 

Witness. Faith, an' ye have the biggest conthract on hand ye 
iver undertook in your life. 



—25— 

Bluster. That's all, sir. 
Witness (puzzled). What, me honey ? 
Snarl. He has done with you, Mr. O'Flaherty. 
Witness. Good luck to the gintleinan. (Aside to Bluster.) 
You'll not forgit my address, honey? 

Amanda Green Examined. 

Snarl conducts her to the witness stand. 
Clerk. You do, &c. 

Snarl. Your are mother of the defendant. 

Witness. I am her mother. My husband's name was Albert 
Green . 

Snarl. Did he die intestate ? 

Witness. No, sir ; he made a will, appointing as executors his 
brother Hamilton Green and Moses Graball, and myself as 
executrix. 

Snarl. What was the value of the estate? 

Witness. Personalty, $12,000; realty, $185,000. 

Snarl. What disposition was made of it ? 

Witness. It was bequeathed to our two children, Albert Ed- 
ward and E valine, in equal proportions, subject to an annuity of 
$2,500 to me. 

Snarl What were the ages of the children at that time ? 

Witness. Evaline twelve and Albert Edward eight. 

&narl. Upon whom did the care of the children devolve ? 

Witness. Moses Graball, by the terms of the will ; but in fact 
upon me. 

Snarl. Did Mr. Graball superintend their education ? 

Witness. Not till my daughter was sixteen. Then he had her 
removed to a boarding school. 

Snarl. When acting as guardian did he use any undue influ- 
ence to win you?- daughter's affections? 

Witness. From the time referred to, he acted as a lover rather 
than a guardian. 

Snarl. To the best of your knowledge and belief, has your 
daughter since her majority, consented to be the wife of Moses 
Graball? 



—26— 

Witness. No, sir. 

Snarl. At what date did she become of age ? 

Witness. March 15, 1880. 

Sna*l. That's all. 

Cross' Examination. 

Probem. You have stated that Mr. Graball was appointed 
guardian of your children, did your care and supervision cease 
with his appointment ? 

Witness. Mr. Graball was their guardian orfly in name and the 
handling of their money. 

Probem. Mr. Graball took no interest in your children, then ? 
Witness. Yes, he tried to instil into my boy contempt lor a 
mother's authority and to court the affections of my daughter. 

Probem. Was Mr. Graball as constant a visitor at your house 
before as after your daughter left for school ? 

Witness (hesitatingly.) Well, about the same — O, he came often - 
er before. 

Probem. Then he must have had another object of attraction, 
before your daughter became such? 

Snarl. That has nothing to do with the case. 

Probem. You favored Mr. Graball's visits to your house. 

Witness. I did not object. His being the nominal — 

P*robem. Oh, yes; your children's guardian. So it was duty 
that called him there. Was there not an object of attraction long 
before your daughter became of age ? 

Snarl. I object Whether plaintiff was received kindly or not 
has nothing to do with the merits of this case. 

Probem. Your Honor, I want to prove that this witness has 
opposed the union between this couple from sinister motives. 

Judge. That is hardly necessary, brother Probem. Proceed 
with the examination. 

Probem. I have done with the witness then. 

( Witness takes her seat.) 

E valine Green's Testimony, 

Snarl conducts witness to the stand. 

Clerk You do, <&c. 



—27— 

s 

Snarl. Please state your age, Miss Green. 

Witness, I was eighteen on the 15th of March, 1880. 

Snarl. Do you know the plaintiff in this case? 

Witness. I do. He was at one time my guardian. 

Snarl. He was suitor and guardian at the same time? Did 
he superintend your education ? 

Witness. He professed to do so. A year or two before my 
majority he sent me to a boarding school. 

Snarl. Where? 

Witness, To the Female College at Mt. Lookout. 

Snarl. Did he visit you there, and how often ? 

Witness. He saw me once in every two weeks. 

Snarl. During your minority did he make you any overtures 
for marriage ? 

Witness. Often and persistently, when I was at College. 

Snarl. Did you have any correspondence with him then ? 

Witness. Yes, sir. 

Snarl. Look at that letter and tell the jury whether or not it is 
a part of that correspondence. (Hands the letter to her marked "C") 

Witness (after reading it.) I wrote that letter March 8th, 1880, 
after Mr. Graball had teased me to marry him. My aunt sparks 
referred to, was his cousin. 

Snarl. Why was this letter not dated ? 

Witness. I don't know. I thought I dated all my letters. 

Snarl (handing exhibit U B. 1) ) Do you recognize that? 

Witness (amused). I do. That is a valentine I wrote from the 
college ; but I notice the date has been changed from 1878 to 1879. 
Returns paper to Snarl who hands it to the jury. 

Snarl. Who is this Mosey ? The plaintiff? 

Witness. Not at all, sir. I never called him Mosey. 

Snarl. Now please inform the jury who this "Mosey" was ? 

Witness. Well, he was and is my pet Maltese cat, who is here 
to testify on his behalf and mine. He possesses all the admirable 
traits of character ascribed to him in that valentine. 

Snarl. Why did you call him Mosey ? 



-28- 



He was a gift from Mr. Graball when I was a little 
girl, and was named for him. 

Snarl. But why call him Mosey ? That gentleman's name is 
Moses Graball. 

Witness, Moses was too solemn and dignified, and Graball was 
not poetic ; so I called him Mosey. 

Snarl (handing contract.) Please examine that paper and state 
if you ever saw it before to-day. 

Witness. I received it from Mr, Graball on the eve of my 

birthday. 

Snarl. You recognize the signature ? 

Witness. Yes, but it is not mine. The contract is in Mr. Grab- 
all's hand-writing. 

Snarl. Under what circumstances did you sign it ? 

Probem. It matters not about the circumstances ; she signed it 
and that is all the jury want to know. 

Snarl. Sir, the circumstances are all important. A highway- 
man, aided by the persuasive powers of a revolver, gets possession 
of your purse, and in a court of justice you admit that you gave 
it to him. Does your admission acquit him of robbery? 

Probem, That's not a parallel case. The lady signed the paper 
voluntarily and deliberately, and without constraint. 

Snarl. We shall see. (To witness.) When, where and how was 
this paper signed ? 

Witness. It was signed by Miss Doll, on March 14th, in the 
college. 

Snarl (handing the letter ichich came with the contract.) Do you 
recognize that letter ? 

Witness. I do. 

Probem. Do you intend to put that in evidence ? 

Snarl (looking at it carefully and shaming it to his colleague.) We 
have no objection, and this envelope also. We will mark them 
exhibit D and E. ( Writes on the paper. To Miss Green,) Did 
you understand the import of the language in the contract, 
"without fee or bond?" 

Witness. No, sir ; I thought Mr. Graball desired to be my 
financial agent simply. 



-29- 

Snarl. This letter is dated March 11, 1880, and signed "Your 
devoted friend and lover." In whose hand-writing is it? 
Witness. The same as the contract. 

Snarl {taking up the envelope, reads the carrier's mark.) When did 
you mail the contract? 

Witness. The same evening, before five o'clock, as the post 
mark will show. 

Snarl ( takes the return envelope and examines it and then hands to the 
jury.) Then it was signed on the eve of your birthday ? 
Witness. Yes — 

Snarl. Do you know anything of this? (Handing the wedding 
card. ) 

Witness. It was issued without my knowledge or consent. 
Snarl. Have you met Mr Graball since your majority? 
Witness. Yes, sir. But we never referred to marriage. 
Snarl (To Count ef.) You may have her. 

Cross Examination. 

Probem. What is your age, Miss Green ? 

Witness. I was nineteen on the 15th of March, 1880. 

Probem. Are you sure of that ? 
Witness. I cannot speak from personal knowledge. 

Probem. Then you may be mistaken? 

Witness. Probably. 

Probem. So you cannot swear positively that you were not of 
age when you signed the contract referred to ? 

Snarl. She has testified to the date of signature; another 
witness has answered your question. 

T*robem. Miss Green, you said you signed this instrument be- 
tween the hours of 3 and 4 o'clock, on the 14th of March. Did 
you have a watch with you at the time. 

Witness. No, sir, I didn't make such a statement. 1 never 
signed it. 

Probem. Had you a time piece at hand when it was signed? 

Witness. Would you believe me if I said I had? 



—30— 

Probem. Then you don't remember. 

Witness. I have not said so. 

Probem. (Excited.) On your oath, had you or had you not, a 
watch or time piece at hand, when you signed the contract. 

Witness. Please state that question again. 

Probem. On your solemn oath, did you or did you not have a 
watch, clock or other time piece in your room, or near by, at the 
precise moment that you acknowledge having attached your said 
signature to the important document now under consideration. 

Witness. Oh, dear ! What a pile of law ! Is that the same 
question, Mr. Probem? 

Probem. Certainly, Miss Green . It is the same in substance. 

Witness. I imagined it has more substance. Sir, I never stud- 
ied law. 

Judge. Mr. Probem, practice brevity in your examination. 

Probem. Your Honor, the witness is disposed to quibble and be 
witty . 

Judge. Then do as I suggest, and you may get even. "Brevity 
is the soul of wit." 

Probem. How do you know you signed the paper between 4 and 5 
o'clock on the 14th day of March. 

Witness. I didn't sign it at all, but I knew that it was put in 
the office before the 4 Eastern mail closed, which was at 5 o'clock. 

Probem. (Pointing to the date of the Contract.) Now, Miss Green 
will you look at that date and read it to the jury ? 

Witness, (reads.) Mount Lookout Female College, March 15th, 
1880. 

Probem. Now did you or did you not sign that on the date 
stated. 

Witness. I did not. 

Probem. Then you practiced fraud and deception on the man 
you meant to marry. 

Witness. I intended no deception, I never intended to marry 
him. 

Probem. That will do. 

(Snarl conducts her to her seat.) 

Judge. Call your next. 



-31- 



Daisy Doll's Examination. 

Snarl. Miss Doll, take the stand and be sworn. 

Clerk. You do, &c. 

Snarl. Where do you reside, Miss Doll. 

Miss D. At Youngstown. 

Snarl You know the defendant, Miss Green. 

Miss D. Yes, she was my schoolmate at Mt. Lookout College. 

Snarl (showing her the contract and her name as ivitness.) Do you 
recognize that as your signature. 

Miss D. I do. I made that the same day Miss Green got 
the paper, and I wrote her name, too. 

Snarl Did you see Miss Green mail that and when? 

Miss B. I saw her mail it before 5 o'clock P. M. of the day 
she got it. 

Snarl That is all. (To counsel.) Cross Examine. 

Bluster. We don't w T ant her, — 

Snarl Miss Doll, you are excused. 

Judge. Any more witnesses. 

Snarl No, your Honor. We rest the case. 

Argument of Blackstone Bluster. 

May it please your Honor, and Gentlemen of the Jury : The 
case now before you needs but little argument. Wi;h the excep- 
tion of a few links which I shall supply, the testimony is com- 
pletely and unequivocally in favor of our client. We have 
already conclusively proved that our client has suffered wrong, 
irreparable wrong, but that he is willing to accept reasonable 
damages. Our first claim is for the lost umbrella — a silk um- 
brella. Yes, gentlemen of the jury, our client, Moses Graball, 
Esq., lost a green silk umbrella, on the handle of which was 
engraved his noble name. Lost it in a fit of abstraction induced 
by- 

Billingsgate. That was not in evidence. 
Bluster. Lost it in a fit of abstraction induced by — 
Billingsgate. I deny it, 



—32— 

Bluster. Lost it in a tit of abstraction induced by the witchery 
of a pitiless coquette. 

Billingsgate. Your Honor, we cannot allow — 

Judge. Brother Bluster, limit yourself to the testimony in the 
case. 

Bluster. Lost it irretrievably and forever. Defendant's counsel, 
in their pleadings and testimony, have been ominously silent re- 
garding this part of our case ; and everything not explicitly de- 
nied in the pleadings is admitted to be true, gentlemen of the jury, 
as his Honor will instruct you. Notwithstanding that, they will 
doubtless attempt to argue that our client, never owned an umbrella. 
But we need no proof that our client owned an umbrella, because 
he carried a peculiar umbrella, his was an umbrella par excel- 
lence, — an umbrella in ten thousand. His umbrella was pur- 
chased with that care and discrimination that characterize the 
man. Most men purchase their umbrellas during a shower when 
on their way to the cars. This gentleman purchased his during 
a leisure hour, when the seller must have money and the buyer 
had time to higgle. Then he chose a green umbrella. There was 
philosophy in that. He selected green, because not one in ten 
thousand carries a green umbrella. He was also particular to 
choose a silk umbrella. Had he chosen a cotton umbrella 
the outlay would have made no impression upon his mind. 
But he wisely purchased a silk umbrella at great expense, 
which made him feel for it that affection and care that a 
young mother feels for her first baby, or the big boy feels 
for his budding mustache. But despite his philosophy, his 
wisdom and his instinct, and ail his precautions, including the 
inscription on its handle, of his roble name, he lost his umbrella : 
lost his silk umbrella: lost his green silk umbrella: lost it in a Jit of abstrac- 
tion induced by the ivitchery of the defendant in this case; lost it irretrieva- 
bly and forever I 

(Taking up contract) And now, as to the broken promise. That 
the defendant solemnly promised to marry the plaintiff we have 
her written testimony. There is the instrument, and there is her 
signature, and as thegCourt will instruct you, gentlemen, parol 
evidence will not be permitted to alter or vary the terms of a 
written contract. That she has broken that promise, violated 
that agreement, we have proved by several witnesses. 

Billingsgate. I deny it. 



—33— 



Bluster. That she ardently loved the plaintiff, note the corres- 
pondence. What but the fondest attachment could have dictated 
the sentiments of the remarkable letter addressed to her "dearest 
Mosey." (Taking up the letter.) "Howl love you, my darling 
pet! I admire your languishing looks,"— and his Napoleon ! 
Were anything wanting to prove the identity of the person ad- 
dressed it is in that paragraph. There he is, gentlemen. Who 
ever saw him twirl, or twist, or dye or wax his Napoleon ? Yes 
gentlemen of the jury, she loved him affectionately, ardently, and 
would have loved him constantly, but for her avaricious mother. 
And that he fully reciprocated her love, observe the fearful rav- 
ages that her failure to comply with the contract has made on his 
physical frame. See his emaciated, gaunt form ! Look at him 
gentlemen. See disappointment^and mortification stamped upon 
every feature ! Only nine months ago he was a young man, full 
of life and vigor ! now he is the wreck before you, and the em- 
bodiment of despair. Need I inform you, gentlemen, that that 
shattered form, that emaciated look, that suffering man's broken 
heart is the consequence of the wantonly broken contract? In 
our petition we asked for pecuniary damages; but, gentlemen of 
the jury, money will not heal a broken heart. We care not for 
pecuniary damages. Our single object is to prevent, if possible, 
the recurrence of such treachery and deceit as has been practiced 
on our client of noble name and heritage ; and therefore we 
reiterate our claim for damages amounting to eighty -five thousand, 
three hundred and twenty-seven dollars and forty -three cents, 
with interest from the institution of this suit. And I know, gen- 
tleman of the jury, we shall not look to you for it in vain. 

Argument of Sheridan Billingsgate. 

May it please your Honor and gentlemen of the jury : My wor- 
thy friend who has just closed has expended a great amount of 
oratory in urging the claims of the plaintiff for damages for a 
broken promise, a broken heart, and a lost umbrella. He first sup- 
plies from the depth of his own inner consciousness, a few of the 
missing links in the chain of his testimony, and then boldly 
branches out in lengthy disquisition on the merits of his losses. 

(Taking up paper.) He claims damages, first, for a broken prom- 
ise. The promise which he says my client, the defendant, made 
to marry him ! Could anything be more preposterous, gentlemen? 
Rather let him call it his promise, a promise that was literally 



—34— 



made and executed by himself, for, gentlemen of the jury we have 
proven that the defendant did not sign the paper, (Points to signa- 
ture with extravagant gestures. That is not her signature. She never 
wrote her name there ! And if she had done so it wouldn't 
bind her. Why, gentlemen of the jury, it was made during 
her minority, and his Honor will instruct you that an infant 
of tender years cannot make such a contract. The proof is 
conclusive ; here's the stamp of the postmaster on the en- 
velope in which the returned contract was mailed. It is 
dated March 14th, 1880, while my client was still in her minority. 

And now concerning the lost umbrella. A green silk umbrella, 
as his counsel have so eloquently (?) described it. Doesn't every 
school boy know that umbrellas are com'mon property? Your Honor 
the question of the rights of property in umbrellas was settled in 
Egypt 3,000 years ago. An umbrella is?i(tf a chose in action. In the 
court of Kherp-kherenra. Approved of the Sun, Son of the sun. 
Wasarkan of Thebes and Heliopolis, at the great assize, the court 
in general term decided that umbrellas were common property. 
(Takes up scrroll.) Here is the case from the advance proof sheets. 
Ptak Tatanen vs. Turn Usermara. The decision was rendered by 
the presiding Poliarch and concurred in by the full bench (it was 
given just after dinner,) is as follows : I read the syllabus only : 

"Kem shadoof Masrel — Fustat durah to — mehit shamee. 
Nomeshesp koos ra kine seyfer Kalyoob Ed Ding at Zoba oh Too- 
weh. Hapi atur mari stanel — kibleeyeb p-to-res. Soohag shara- 
kec Demenhoor. Nila shiluall panka katwek." 

Thus clearly establishing my position that umbrellas were a ne- 
cessity in that land on account of the ceaseless rainfall; and in 
recognition of its great utility, TaiutimesII, of the royal family of 
Harness, conceived the idea of canonizing this useful article and 
erected in honor of the now sacred umbrella the monuments known 
the world over as the great Pyramids. So down the ages, dama- 
ges for a lost umbrella has been an absurdity. Isn't it an axiom 
in law, even in this country that the man who buys an umbrella 
invests his money pro bono publico. I beg to refer your Honor to 
page 98,763, vol/ 1,047 Detroit Free Press, proceedings of Bijah 
and the Judge for the cases therein cited. Yes, gentlemen of the 
jury, pro bono publico, for the public good : The umbrella will be 
the owner's so long as it is in his possession, but no longer, 
Should he lend it to a neighbor to be returned the next day, the 
borrower, ha? only to forget to return it; the lender, to whom he lent 



—35— 

it, and, presto ! change ! The title in the property legally passes to 
the holder, by lapse of memory. The new owner takes the self same 
umbrella to his office and deposits it in the rack. Soon a, customer 
calls, and on leaving he forgets that his own umbrella is at home, 
and so takes this identical article from the stand, and it becomes 
his by lapse of memory. Taking the umbrella along, he leaves 
for home and, when in the cars, this owner discovers that in this 
umbrella he has a valuable piece of property, and, so he carefully 
puts it in the rack above his head. Leaving the train, he forgets 
it, and a forgetful passenger who gets off at the next station, 
takes the umbrella along, which makes another legal transfer 
— by lapse of memory. This owner is so pleased with the 
umbrella that it is installed in the family as a Sunday umbrella. 
Going to church the next Sunday, the owner takes the umbrella 
with him, but, the clouds dispersing at the close of the sermon, he 
forgets the umbrella. In this way, gentlemen of the jury, the um- 
brella passes through the round of its history, till, fractured in ribs 
or coyer, the last owner has a skeleton in his closet or the vacant 
lot, an addition to its common property. 

Then, about the broken heart. Counsel on other side would 
offend your superior intelligence by asserting that his client has 
suffered untold agony from a broken heart. He assumes that 
Moses Graball, of ignoble name and lineage, was possessed of a 
heart which was susceptible of being broken. Why, the very name 
forbids the assumption. Moses Graball a heart ! The pitiful, 
grabbing, gouging, griping, niching, fleecing, rapacious, robbing, 
plundering, thieving, swindling, smuggling, marauding, purloing, 
preying, miserly, misanthrope ! No, not a misanthrope ! for hating 
implies a heart, and the despicable thing has none. 

Bluster (interrupting) Your Honor — 

Billingsgate. Sir, I haven't done with my argument. The 
shark, the sharper, the cheat, the rogue, the trickster, the blackleg 
the poltroon, the Billy Sikes, the knave, the jockey, the shyster, 
the Jeremy Diddler, the — 

Bluster (Interrupting) Your Honor, I-I-I — 

Billingsgate^ The crafty, cunning, artful, sly, subtle, wily, in- 
triguing, deceitful, shrewd, invidious, tricky, crooked — 

Judge (Interrupting) If you have exhausted your argument, 
Mr. Billingsgate, you will please take your seat. 



—36— 

Billingsgate, Your Honor, allow me — I am reaching a climax 
the most magnificent known to ancient or modern oratory. He a heart/ 
The unscrupulous, perfidious, unprincipled — 

Judge. I insist upon it. counsel will — 

Billingsgate. The traducer, the slander — 

Judge. Interrupting, Noise and Confusion. 

BiUinsgate. Your Honor, only half a minute more, and I'll an- 
nihilate the scoundrel, the villain, the rascal, the reprobate, vile 
wretch, the miscreant, the catiff, the — Gentlemen of the jury — 

Judge, Take your seat, Mr. Billingsgate. 

Great confusion. 

BiUinsgate. Your Honor, 1 protest — [To Reporter.) Mr. Re- 
porter, you note the proceedings. I wish to be properly represent- 
ed to the public and the District Court to which I shall appeal. 
( Takes his seat and vigorously applies his handkerchief in wiping off his 
brows and fanning himself.) 

Second Argument of Blackstone Bluster. 

Gentlemen of the jury : I have already stated that it needed no 
argument from me to convince you of the justice of our claim. It 
certainly needs less now. You have been edified by what the gen- 
tleman called his argument, a harangue, gentlemen of the jury, 
that I would stigmatize as billingsgate if the term were not a pun 
on the gentleman's name. 

Billingsgate. ( Much excited and in threatening attitude.) Sir, I resent 
the insult and demand an apology. 

Bluster. Sir, I make no apologies. I — 

Billingsgate. Sir, I shall vindicate myself in a way you least 
expect. 

Bluster. Sir, I deny being personal. I have stigmatized your 
language by the mildest terms I could select. If you are so un- 
fortunate as to have a bad name. I can't — 

Billingsgate, ( Very much excited. ) I hold you responsible Sir, I — 
Your Honor, I ask the protection of this Court and a rule 
against this unmitigated scoun 

Judge. {Interrupting) Softly, Mr. Billingsgate. I don't think 
the gentleman meant to be offensive. He was very courteous in 



—37— 

the use of his language, and I think you have shown bad taste in 
taking exception to it. He may proceed. 

Billingsgate. I except. I-I. 

Judge {Interrupting) Your exception will be noted if you so de 
sire. (To Bluster.) Proceed Mr. Bluster. 

Bluster. Gentlemen of the jury, I have only one more word to add 
on behalf of my client, and that is to remind you of his condition, 
and the disastrous effect that an adverse verdict would have on 
his mental and physical health. This mischievous business, as 
you know, has broken his heart. It has done more ; It has bro- 
ken up his business. You, gentlemen of the jury, you noble men 
of generous impulses, you can sympathize with a business man in 
trouble. You know by experience what it is to have a bankrupt 
business and your notes go to protest — you — 

Billingsgate. (Exasperated, rises y ) It is not in evidence it's irrelevant 
it's a libel on the jury. 

Bluster. Gentlemen, just look at my client. 8ee those dark lines 
on that once fair face! those wrinkles; Every one of them is the 
mark of a protested note. 

Billingsgate, (with feeling.) I deny it. 

Bluster. ^ Then those gray hairs, that venerable hoary head ! 
Every hair marks a disappointment in love or business. You 
have experienced all. 

Billingsgate. (Indignantly.) Marks of his robberies of the poor, 
the grab—. 

Bluster. Then, gentlemen of the jury, comes that disease, soft- 
ening of the brain. Gentlemen, his brain is so soft, that phrenol- 
ogists say there isn't a protuberence, not a single bump left. Just 
think of it ! r 

Billingsgate, It's not in evidence. I call the gentleman to order. 

Judge. (Takes out his watch.) Mr. Bluster, I am satisfied that we 
have heard all the law in the case. You must bring your argu- 
ment to a close. 

Bluster. Your honor, no doubt knows how to sympathize with 
my client. You have long had a soft place in your brain ; you— 

Judge, (sharply.) We have heard enough, Mr. Bluster. Take your 
seat, sir. 

(Bluster subsides.) 



-38- 



Charge to the Jury. 



Gentlemen of the jury: In the single question of damages 
claimed in the case before you, are involved three distinct ques- 
tions, which I could- have wished the learned counsel for the 
plaintiff, had stated separately and specifically. 

The first is, the question of the violation of the contract ; 2nd, 
damages for a broken heart, and 3rd, damages for a lost umbrella. 

Considering these subjects seriatim, as presented, we shall first 
ask your attention to that of the broken promise. You will first 
consider whether or not a promise of marriage was made by the 
defendant ; and, if made, whether or not it was broken. The 
testimony on both sides has established the existence of a promise 
duly signed and delivered, while evidence on the side of defendant 
goes to show that the signature is not genuine. It will be your 
duty to decide on the merits of this conflicting testimony. Should 
you conclude that the signature is not that of the defendant, no 
damage will accrue ; but should you decide otherwise, then you 
will have to consider whether or not that promise has been broken. 
If the evidence is not clear, you must remember that in Court 
testimony there is often more implied than is clearly stated, and 
then you will give the plaintiff the benefit of the doubt. In the event of 
your deciding in favor of the plaintiff, it may be difficult for you 
to assess the separate damages for the violated promise. The Court 
will leave that to your superior powers of discrimination and 
your knowledge of the mathematics of probabilities. 

As to the question of damages for a broken heart, you will first 
satisfy yourselves that the plaintiff was and still is possessed of 
a heart; and that prior to his acquaintance with the defendant, 
that heart was whole, unbroken and in the normal condition of 
the male heart, beating seventy-nine pulsations to the minute; and 
that his heart was susceptible of impression when he was within 
the range of female influence The testimony, if not the argu- 
ments, is ample on this question. 

Should you, as no doubt you will, decide in the affirmative, you 
will then determine whether or not that heart was literally — no, 
we will say figuratively — broken; and yet that word "figuratively" 
hardly does justice to the plaintiff. — En passant, we would state 
that nowhere else is the paucity of our language so keenly felt as 
in a court of justice. — To aid you in the solution of this problem you 
have, fortunately, the presence of the plaintiff himself. Counsel 



—39— 

has directed your attention to his forlorn condition, and no ex- 
ception has been taken to the statement 'by the other side. Should 
you find for the plaintiff it will be for you to determine the ratio 
of damages. 

The only question remaining is that of damages for the lost 
umbrella. It has been affirmed that the umbrella is one of great 
intrinsic value. True, no testimony has been offered to fix that 
value. On the other hand it was denied that umbrellas were 
choses in action. Unfortunately for his theory, even if the ad- 
vocate was correct in his his citation, the jurisdiction of the 
Khedive of Egypt does not extend to these United States. In 
America under our free form of government an umbrella is as 
much a chose in action as a superanuated toothpick. Your duty 
will, therefore, be to determine the value of the lost umbrella, (if 
an umbrella has been lost), and in the absence of testimony to aid 
you, you will give the plaintiff the benefit of the doubt. Take 
with you therefore, gentlemen, such papers as you may need and 
return a verdict according to the testimony. The Clerk will hand 
you the form of the verdict. 

Scene 3, Jury-room with chairs, a table, pens, ink and paper, the 
jury (Klinkhammer excepted) in groups, loud talk and gesticulations 
about election news voices of the negro and the Irishman prevailing. 

Barney Dunderhead. Gentleman, I nominate Mr, Klinkham- 
hammer as foreman. 

Killarney. I object. He can't shpake English. 

Oddfish. I nominate Mr. Killarney. 

Washington. I object. Irishmen are furreners. 

Killarney. They're betther Americans nor nagurs. 

Oliver Owl. I uominate Harry Weaver. (Several second the mo- 
tion.) Mr. Weaver is nominated as foreman. All in favor will 
say aye. ( Unanimous vote.) Mr. Weaver take the chair. 

Foreman. Who will be your secretary ? 

Dohittle is proposed and elected. 

Foreman. How will you vote, gentleman ? 

Several. Viva voce. 

Foreman^ If there is no objection we shall so vote. 

Dumbartin. Move we give a verdict for the plaintiff. 

Redhead. Second the motion. 

Foreman. You have heard the motion, gentlemen; any re- 
marks? 



—40— 

Dumbartin. I have two reason for my vote, Mr. Chairman — 
Foreman. Mr. Dumbartin. 

Dumbartin. First, the old fellow is hard up, and, second, the 
girl is rich and won't miss the damages. 

KUlarney. Misther Foreman, I won't consint to that vardick. 
My friend Misther O'Flaherty settled the ould chap. I vote for 
the lady. 

Dunderhead [excited.) Mr. Chairman, he's wrong — the plaintiff 
dont want to marry him — that Maltese cat didn't write them let- 
ters — she's trumps— she's bully — them pyramirs warn't made for 
umbrellas — he's game — I give the verdict for the witness — If she 
war fined, it's none of our funeral — I go for 'em. 

Oliver Owl. Mr. Chairman. 

Foreman. Mr. Owl. 

Owl (after a long pause commences very deliberately to lay down the 
law with suitable gestures. ) You see there the plaintiff, and there's 
the defendant. That's plain. Well, the judge charged us to give 
the doubts, if we had any, to the plaintiff. I believe in that, 
there's sense in it. Well, I doubt and you doubt that the old 
fellow tells fibs — that's doubt number one, Then I don't think 
he's as deaf as he pretends — that's doubt number two. Then I 
doubt he wrote all them love letters himself — that's doubt number 
three. Then I don't think he lost his numberellor if his name 
was on it — that's doubt number four. Then I doubt if she broke 
his heart, he don't look like it — that's doubt number five. Now, 
if he don't deserve the verdict after that, then my name's not Owl. 

Oscar Oddfish. I beg to take the floor, sir, 

To add a few words more, sir, 
To what has gone before, sir, 
And will promise not to bore, sir. 
These noble men. 

I've watched this trial with much concern, 
And find nothing in it that I can discern, 

Off which to make a copper. 
So I move you, sir, and the jury at large 
To move the Judge and get our discharge 
For its time we had had our supper. 
Foreman. Do you offer that as a motion to adjourn? 



—41— 

Several voices. Question. 

Foreman. Gentlemen, you have heard the motion. All in 
favor will say Aye. 

All answer aye. 

Foreman. Does Mr. Klinkhammer understand our vote? 
We'll take a vote by yeas and nays. Mr. Secretary call the roll- 
Secretary calls the roll and Klinkhammer proves to be absent. 

Foreman. Hunt up— send for the deputy. 

Exciting talk among the jury. The Deputy soon returns with the 
Culprit. 

Foreman. Will some one explain the vote ? 

Oddfish talks to Klinkhammer in German and receives in reply a 
vigorous protest Nein, nein, NEIN. 

Oddjish. Mr. Foreman we will call the vote unanimous and 
report. 

Foreman assents and takes the written verdict from the Secretary. 

CURTAIN FALLS. 

Scene 4. Reassembled Court. Jury standing. The Clerk ccdls the 
roll and the Foreman hands in the verdict 

Clerk reads. We, the jury, do find the complaint of the plaintiff 
as set forth in his biJl of particulars is true, and do assess his 
damages in the premises at one cent." Are you all agreed, gen- 
tlemen? 

All but Klinkhammer answer in the affirmative. Immediately he bawls 

OUt NEIN ! 

Confusion in Court. The Jury badly demoralized. Oddfish in loud 
terms in German explains, using violent gestures, but gets in return only 
NEIN. 

The Judge discharges the Jury and makes a new setting for the case. 

END. 



Y 

-42— 



APPENDIX. 
THE COKEESPONDENCE, 



r. 



(A) 

Dear Guardian : 

Have had a sleepless night. Been to see my aunt and 
obtained her consent. She married young. 
Your devoted, 

EVALINE GkEEN. 



( B) Mt. Lookout, Female College, 

February 13, 1878. 
My Dear Mosey ; 

How I love you my darling old pet ! But no, not oJd. 1 
admire your symmetrical form, your languishing looks, your 
pearly white teeth unstained by tobacco juice. Have no doubt 
but your breath is as sweet as your teeth are white. And your 
Napoleon, how exquisite ! But Napoleon is a u misnomer. ,r 
Your mustache unlike Napoleon's is natural. No one ever saw 
you pull, or twirl, or twist, or wax it, as so many empty-pated 
creatures do. What if your hair is tinged with gray, it is becoming 
and admitting that your voice is neither a bass, nor a tenor, nor 
a mean between, there is a register in which to me it is charming. 
Is it any wonder then that I think of you, deprived as I am, of 
your delightful society. 

Yon; Valentine. 



I, Evaline Green, being of legal age and sound mind, do hereby 
consent to be the wife of Moses Graball on condition that I retain 
possession of all my property, real, personal and mixed, and 
that said Graball be my trustee to manage my said property with- 
out fee or bond. I also appoint the last day of May next, for 
the celebration of our nuptials. 

Signed this 15th day of March 1875, in the presence of 
Datsy Doll, Witness. Evaline Green. 






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